I am not superwoman and that’s okay.

So the other day my mom sent me this:

And I loled.

But not the oh that’s funny type of lol but the nervous laugh of oh crap how did you know. Does my mom have cameras in my house and if so… Mom stop.

The thing is I don’t know how people do it. I dont understand how people get a routine and keep it going. I dont get how it takes people 15 minutes to do a task when for me it takes hours and all of my mental energy. Did I miss out on the grown up gene?

My home is the out ward evidence of the chaos in my head. It overwhelms me and I feel ashamed of it. The idea of friends coming over sends me into panic attacks. The idea of tackling the mess overwhelms me. Trying to get the day-to-day things done are my biggest trail and not only because it takes so much brain power and takes so much out of me.

It’s the word LAZY. I have been called it so many times. My room isn’t clean: stop being lazy be organized. My home work wasnt done or I am late on getting paper work in: why can’t you just have better time management. My house isnt clean, laundry not done: why don’t you just get up off the couch and be responsible. So many people have labelled me as lazy without knowing the full story.

Because you see I have a neurological brain disorder. This affects the executive functioning of my brain (this is the part of the brain that tells you how to take a big issue and break it down step by step) and my short-term memory.  This means I have trouble taking a big messy house and finding the step by step to get the job done. I can’t cut up a big picture problem into bite size pieces. Then add in the short term memory issue and I am lucky if I remember the little chores that pop up during the day.

Now you are probably wondering what this mysterious neurological brain disorder is. It is Combination ADHD. The chemicals that effect the executive functioning either don’t get made or my brain doesn’t receive them properly. It actually is closely related to depression (which I have as well).

But a few days ago I met with a career counselor at the local community college. I had met with her in the middle of summer to see my options and she sent a follow-up email with the local crisis center phone number. It was a bit of a wake up call. A complete stranger was seeing the cracks in me (it could have been that I completely fell apart in her office. I am pretty transparent lately).

But this meeting she was asking me follow-up questions of how I was moving forward. And I told her that even though I had not found permanent work (not surprising in a city with a 30% unemployment rate and me without any higher credentials) that I had taken steps. I have gotten into a program that paid for a current ADHD assessment to get better treatment and the paper work for better funding for schooling. I had started seeing my long-term therapist more often and I somehow made a local therapy organization take me on pro-bono so that their intern could learn how to be an ADHD coach (the only one in town is something like $200 a session with out extended health care). I had found a new doctor with a better understanding of ADHD and depression and working on a better medication route because combination ADHD is usually treated with both a stimulant and an antidepressant (especially when battling depression as well). As well as going to many interviews for jobs and doing research on how to do the undergrad degree in want to do via distance as I can’t move cities due to my child custody agreement with my ex. Oh and working through the vetting program to do volunteer work and now I am starting the training of that.

Now I said all this as simple fact. Because in my mind I did not see this as being anything big. My house is still a mess. My relationships not much better. I still can’t find full-time work. I feel like I am surrounded by chaos and failing at being an adult. But she was amazed. She was delighted and proud of the extraordinary steps that I was taking to take control of my life, my health and my self. She called me strong. She called me driven. She did not see me as lazy.

And to be honest she is not the first. For every one person that has mislabeled me there have been so many others that saw the truth. The problem is that it is so much easier to believe the ugly things that are said. That I am lazy, worthless, unlovable, no longer beautiful. I have allowed these over the last 5 or so years take control of who I am and I believed them.

The hardest thing I am trying to do is not how to get better organized, find a job or even go back to school (not to mention trying to be a mom). The hardest thing I am trying to do is rewrite the narrative in my head that says I am lazy and too much of a screw up to be of any good. I am trying to rewrite it so that I can see what the career counselor did; I am strong, driven, a glorious survivor that will rise above all this.

I cant see it yet; I am too distracted by the chaos around me. Too distracted at being so hard on my self. Forgetting that this is a step by step process and my house is a mess but guess what it doesn’t matter. I am working on a different area of my life. That will get better and then I can focus on getting better at being organized. Or not it may never be my strength and I am beginning to be okay with that.

I am starting to be okay with who I am. Not saying I don’t want to improve or strive to be better. But I am going to stop apologizing for who I was created to be. Because I am not lazy, but I am not super woman and I can’t do it all. And I refuse to be shamed for doing my best. Even if it is different from what you may think as best.

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When life falls apart. Rebuild.

The last I posted was two years ago. I actually planned to never post again. But months ago one of my best friends causally mentioned that I should start my art mommy blog again because at least I have something to say. I scoffed and said yeah in a million years and said goodnight. But the thing is that that small statement has wormed its way into my head and I cant get it out.

I last posted 2 years ago, I was trying to be okay with a life and marriage imploding. I was desperately trying to hold the shattering fragments of my life and dreams with my bare hands. I wanted to have everything be Instagram and Pintrest perfect. That shiny filter of success and ease. The perfect wife. The perfect mother. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. I wanted my life to meet the approval of others and this blog was going to prove it. It was going to show a journey of pretty living and smooth sailing. I was going to put a candy coloured coating on all the bad spots until they disappeared.

But two years happened. And my life imploded. My marriage ended in fire and brimstone. Ugly words and lies. Petty actions and heart break that is so indescribable that I wont ever go into detail. I became a part time single mom in which my daughter goes between two houses the ambassador to two camps that do not speak. I have lost jobs; in fact I cant seem to keep a job in this town. I have lost home and family. My father has become so ill that I feel sometime that I have lost him forever. My ADHD became unmanageable and guess what I am depressed and needing treatment for that as well. Two years happened and I hit rock bottom and continued to fall.

Two years happened. And I discovered what it was like to be a phoenix. I started to know true strength. I started to make amazing friends again; those of who with out I would be so lost in the dark. I started to became aware of faith so fragile that a single breath would shatter it and yet it guards my sanity. I started to dream about my future again. I started to work on healing myself and protecting myself. I started to follow my true passions. I started.

My life is no where near Instagram or Pintrest worthy. I am so messed up that some days I have trouble functioning. My house is a mess,  I am with out steady work and I rely on the charity of others to get by most days. I take medications to help me heal and control the run away trains in my brain. I struggle. I struggle with so much that I thought I had reason to be ashamed.

But that one sentence spoke off hand to me wont leave my head. That I have something to say. And I do. I have things to say and I am not sure if anyone is going to listen but maybe just maybe there is someone struggling out there. Someone who has had their heart broken. Someone who is struggling with issues like ADHD or depression. Someone who just feels like the worst failure in the world. Maybe they will read this and not feel so alone. I want to share my journey. I want to show that brokenness can lead to completion and that it is not a straight path. That it is so messy and ugly that it seems like things will never become whole again.

I am not starting this from the sad beginning or the happy ending but from the messy middle. If you would like to join me on this path I would be honored. I wont be consistent with the posts; the ADHD will get the better on me for that one. But I wont candy coat the the dark parts and maybe that will make the bright parts all that much brighter. This wont be an artsy mommy blog, this will be life. My life. Feel free to follow along.

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not my image.

Life got AWAY from me.

Oh. My. Lord.

I swear I didn’t abandon this blog. But I will admit that life has gotten away from me a bit.

Lets see what has happened since my first post. Well we moved to Saskatchewan. The move itself was quick but when we got to our destination we found that the house we were moving into needed a lot of repair work. The basement needed to be gutted (there was a bit of a mold problem). The upstairs had been left in a state of disrepair by the previous tenants so it had to be fixed up and repainted. The cool thing about renting from family means that we get pretty much free rein on how to fix the place up but it all goes towards rent.

I had taken really good documentation of the refurbishing of our house BUT my cell phone unfortunately took a swim so I lost all the pictures. The good news is I am eventually going to show you all the completed house once I find time to clean that is. Probably see a lot of it in posts on Christmas activities.

In other news I have recently been hired by Prince Albert and Area Community Kitchen Partnership as their coordinator. The Ck Partnership vision is that all residents of P.A. and area will realize food security in their lives. We do this by setting up kitchens that teach people meal planning, budgeting, smart shopping, and cooking skills. This is all done in a fun and informative setting.

I have to say that I am quiet excited about this job. It is something completely out of the realm of what I am use to and it has a positive impact on the community. Plus it means I get to do my second favorite thing to do on my time off; cooking and playing in the kitchen! Also since I work from home I get to be mommy as well.

So we have our house and shelter. I have gainful employment. But that doesn’t mean I have been completely without my creative streak. The projects again have no pictures due to ruined phone but I have been making Evie dresses, apple butter and even doing some mix media art on the side.

Oh! That reminds me! I have an amazing office/studio space all set up in out basement. You all will be seeing lots of it as I post new art blogs.

So now that I am finally settled in my house and you all are caught up with the last few months of chaos we can all look forward to more frequent posts. I have lots of plans of this Christmas season and I want all of you to come along for the journey.

 

Look forward to have you along for my creative adventure.

 

Mika =]

 

p.s. I also completed something on my bucket list during our move … I ran in the Canadian federal election. Funny enough it was for the Green Party. Now my political ambitions are over. Maybe.

 

A fresh start.

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Hi!

So life changes. Quickly it seems. Only less than two weeks ago my husband Byron and I decided that the life we were living here in BC wasn’t working so we would move to Saskatchewan. At the end of the month. Yes this month we hit the road on Friday. Meaning I am starting this new online adventure in the midst of frantic packing (which seems to be an adventure all of its own when you have a 15 month old that seems to move as if she has ingested a whole bag of sugar).

For those of you who know me you know this is not the easiest decision for me. I feel like a bit of a black sheep in a smaller conservative prairie town but with this change comes the opportunity to chase a dream of mine. I am taking this time to focus on being a mother, stretching my wings as an artist, and focusing on becoming the wife I want to be.

The last two years haven’t been the easiest for me but I am taking this chance to grow and press the hard reset on my outlook.

For now though I am just trying to survive the packing process going from zero to moving half a country away in two weeks is a bit mind-blowing. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we get in gear and on the road this week.

Stay tuned as I will up date you guys as soon as I am able!!

Mika =]

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